14 Sexiest Things A Guy Can Say, the headline trumpets. I eagerly turned to this website, since it sounded so much like Whispered Pearls material. What sexy things would they say, I wonder?

Boy, was I disappointed to see of that the “sexy” things they list, FIVE merely mention decreasing a woman’s workload. Really? That’s sexy to you? No wonder everyone’s sex lives are so fucked up. Are the job and home lines so blurred that it all just blends together? To the point that a guy saying, “I cleaned the bathroom” makes you swoon?

GET A GRIP, women!

Sure, I’ll go along with “I love you” out of the blue, that’s always good. And offering to take her away for a date or a romantic dinner, sure. (Those both should count as one, btw.) “I missed you today,” also always good.

But the “Yes, dear” and “I’d be happy to” (also both should count as one) aren’t sexy either. They might make the oil of a relationship flow more freely, but they are certainly not swoon-worthy in my universe.

The thing that’s really sadly missing from these “sexiest things a guy can say” is the SEX. There is nothing related to sex in any of them. Really? This is what marriage is about? Taking care of the kids and cleaning the bathrooms? This just makes me so sad for America.

How about this? An “I love you” out of the blue, followed by a long, slow passionate kiss in front of the kids? Now we’re talking sexy.

I don’t have kids and I’ll never have kids, so maybe this whole thing has blissfully escaped me. I can take a nap whenever I want to, and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do it. So it’s inconceivable that a guy saying he’d take care of the kids so I could sneak a nap would in any way be sexy.

Also, what on earth is sexy about a man saying, “I’ll take care of the kids so that you can go hang out with your girlfriends”? Is the unstated quid pro quo that you come back and blow him later? (I mean, at least that I could understand.)

So let’s revise this list, Miche-style. These are the things that would make me swoon (well, if I ever were going to be in a relationship again, that is):

1. Saying “I love you” out of the blue. Can’t be said often enough. Ever.

2. “I missed you today.”

3. “I’m taking you to a surprise (dinner/date/anniversary trip/vacation). Let’s go.”

4. Surprise flowers. (I’m a sucker for flowers.)

5. Surprise deliveries of any kind (as long as they are along the lines of chocolates, books, lingerie; not washers and dryers or vacuums).

6. An unexpected long, slow passionate kiss. Also can never be done enough.

7. “You look so hot in that, I want to fuck you right now.”

8. Fondling from behind while washing dishes or doing yoga.

9. Kisses on the neck. Anytime, anyplace.

10. Chivalry. For me, it’s chivalry that goes a long way. Chivalry is almost forgotten in this day and age, so I would be shocked, then swooning, to actually see it in action again. For instance, you younger ladies, did you know that men are supposed to get up when you enter a room? Or pull your chair out at a restaurant? Or let you enter and leave an elevator first? Yeah. You probably don’t know, cause no one does it. But THAT stuff really makes me swoon.

11. And if all that fails, there’s always reading Shakespeare aloud. Or reciting it in a bar. Definitely swoon-worthy.